The First Wedding Anniversary After a Bereavement

It's still an anniversary. The date doesn't stop being a wedding anniversary because one of you has died, and most widows and widowers say the dread of the day is worse than the day itself.

There's no correct way to spend it. Some people mark it properly, some work through it, some go to bed early. All of those are fine, and what you do this year doesn't commit you to anything next year.

This page is for two people: the one facing the day, and the friend or relative wondering whether to mention it. The short answer to the second is yes - say something.

Ways people mark the day

• Go where you married, or where you honeymooned, for an hour rather than a day.
• Cook what you ate on the wedding day, or what they'd have cooked.
• Buy the flowers you carried, or the ones they always bought you.
• Look at the photographs, with someone else in the room if that helps.
• Write them a letter, which a lot of people do and few mention.
• Raise a glass with the people who were there on the day.
• Do nothing at all, deliberately, and let it be an ordinary Tuesday.

What tends to help

• Decide roughly what the day looks like in advance - the unplanned version is usually the hardest.
• Tell one person the date is coming, so you're not managing it alone.
• Make sure there's food in and nothing that has to be done.
• Give yourself a way out of anything you've agreed to.
• Expect the week before to be worse than the day. It usually is.
• Let it be a bad day if it's a bad day. It doesn't mean you're going backwards.

What to write to someone facing theirs

• Thinking of you today, and of David. It would have been forty years.
• I know what today is. I'm not going to pretend I don't.
• Thinking of you both today. Sarah was wonderful, and I still miss her.
• No need to reply to this. Just so you know I remembered.
• Today of all days, I'm thinking of you. Here whenever you want company or quiet.
• Remembering your anniversary, and remembering him. Always happy to talk about Michael.

Things worth knowing if you're the friend

• Use their name. People worry that saying it causes pain; the silence causes more.
• Say it on the day, not the week after.
• A posted card does more than a message - it arrives without needing a reply.
• Don't ask how they are and leave it there. Offer something specific: a walk, a phone call, dinner.
• Don't say 'at least'. Nothing good has ever followed those two words.
• Turn up the following week too. Most people go quiet by then.

If it's a parent's or grandparent's anniversary

• Write to the one who's left, and name the one who died.
• Ring rather than text if you can.
• Offer to go with them if they want to visit the grave or the church.
• Ask them to tell you about the wedding day. Most want to and are rarely asked.

Shop sympathy cards

Prints for the wall

A5, A4 and A3 art prints, drawn in house and printed in the UK. They post flat and frame easily.

How to write it so it lands

• Say the name. The silence is worse than the mention.
• Send it on the day, and say no reply is needed.
• Come back the following week, when everyone else has gone quiet.

Where to shop next

• An anniversary during a rough patch
• Second marriage anniversaries
• Anniversary gifts under £20
• What to do instead of an anniversary gift
• Anniversaries when you're apart
• What year is which anniversary
• Anniversary card messages
• Anniversary cards
• Sympathy and bereavement cards
• Thinking of you cards
• Anniversary gift shop
• Card hub
• All guides
• Wedding cards
• Sympathy cards guide

Frequently asked questions

Should you mention someone's wedding anniversary after their husband or wife has died?

Yes. Almost everyone who has been through it says the hardest part was people saying nothing. Use the person's name, keep it short, and make clear no reply is needed.

What do you write to a widow or widower on their wedding anniversary?

Something like: 'Thinking of you today, and of David. No need to reply.' Naming the person who died, and naming the date, is the whole message.

Is it still your anniversary after your husband or wife dies?

Most people feel that it is, and mark it in some way. There's no right approach - some go back to where they married, some work through the day, some do nothing at all.

Is the anniversary harder than the date they died?

It varies, and many people find the run-up to either date harder than the day itself. Planning roughly what the day looks like in advance tends to help more than leaving it open.