How to write a eulogy

Writing a eulogy is a heavy thing to be asked to do, usually at the worst possible time. The good news is that there is a structure, and it takes most of the weight.

A eulogy is not a biography. It is a portrait: who they were, what they were like to be around, and what they leave with the people in the room.

A structure that works

• Open - who you are and your relationship to them.
• The facts, briefly - where they were from, family, the shape of their life.
• Who they were - two or three stories that show character rather than list achievements.
• What they gave people - the thing everyone in the room recognises.
• Close - a line to them, or a line for the people left.
• Three to five minutes. Around five hundred to seven hundred words read aloud.

Opening lines

• My name is [name] and I was [relationship]. I've been asked to say a few words, which is both an honour and completely impossible.
• There is no version of this that is long enough, so I'll tell you about the [name] I knew.
• [Name] would have hated the fuss. So I'll keep it short, which is what they'd have wanted.
• I've spent a week trying to sum up [x] years. What follows is my best attempt.

Finding the stories

• Ask three people for the first memory that comes to mind. Patterns appear quickly.
• Choose the small, specific story over the big one - the tea always made a certain way, the phrase they always used.
• Include the flaws, gently. A saint is not recognisable; a person is.
• One story that makes people laugh is worth having. Laughter at a funeral is relief, not disrespect.
• Say what they were like to be around, not just what they achieved.

Closing lines

• Thank you, [name]. For all of it.
• We were lucky to have had them, and we know it.
• If you want to remember [name] properly, [do the thing they'd have wanted] - and think of them while you do it.
• They'd tell us to stop standing about and go and have a drink. So we will.
• Rest well. You were loved, and you knew it.

Delivering it

• Print it large, double spaced, on paper - not a phone.
• Have someone else hold a copy in case you cannot continue. Arrange this beforehand.
• It is completely fine to pause, to cry, or to stop. Nobody is judging.
• Speak more slowly than feels natural.
• Read it aloud at home at least twice. The first time is always the hardest.
• A glass of water on the lectern is worth more than any technique.

If you cannot face it

• You are allowed to say no. Nobody will hold it against you.
• You can write it and ask someone else to read it.
• A celebrant or minister can deliver your words on your behalf.
• Two people sharing the eulogy is common and often easier.

Browse sympathy cards

How to write it so it lands

• Ask three people for their first memory. The eulogy usually writes itself from there.
• Arrange a backup reader in advance. Knowing they are there makes it easier to get through.

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Frequently asked questions

How long should a eulogy be?

Three to five minutes, roughly five hundred to seven hundred words. Funeral timings are usually tight, so check with the celebrant or funeral director.

Can a eulogy be funny?

Yes. One well-judged story that makes people laugh is often the moment the room relaxes. Keep it affectionate and keep it brief.