Best man speech jokes

A best man speech does not need to be funny throughout. It needs three or four proper laughs, one sincere minute, and a toast. That is the whole job, and it should take five to seven minutes.

Below are lines grouped by where they go in the speech, plus the rules that separate a good speech from the one people talk about for the wrong reasons.

Openers

• Good evening everyone. For those who don't know me, I'm the best man. For those who do, I'm sorry.
• I've been told to keep this short, so I'll skip the bit about the stag do. All of it.
• I promised [groom] I wouldn't embarrass him tonight. That was a lie, but it was a nice moment while it lasted.
• They say the best man's speech should last as long as the groom can make love. So thank you, goodnight.
• I'd like to start by saying what an honour it is to be standing here. Mostly because [groom] asked four other people first.

Jokes about the groom

• [Groom] is one of the most generous people I know. He'd give you the shirt off his back. It won't fit and it'll need washing, but he'd give it to you.
• He's not a details man. He turned up to the church rehearsal on the wrong day, at the wrong church, in the wrong town.
• People ask what [groom] is like as a friend. Loyal, kind, and absolutely never on time.
• He spent months planning today. Mostly the playlist.
• In fairness, he's improved enormously since we met. He now owns a suit that isn't from a school uniform shop.

The turn - complimenting the couple

• The first time I met [partner], [groom] rang me afterwards and talked for forty minutes. He hasn't stopped since.
• I've watched him become a better version of himself, and we all know exactly who's responsible.
• [Partner], you've taken on a project. But you've done more with him in [x] years than the rest of us managed in twenty.
• The truth is, I've never seen him happier than he's been since he met you.

Self-deprecating lines

• I googled how to write a best man speech. The first result said 'be yourself'. The second said 'be funny'. Pick one.
• I've never been good with words, which is presumably why he asked me to do the talking.
• I practised this in the mirror this morning. The mirror walked out.
• I'm told the secret to public speaking is imagining everyone naked. That's ruined the top table for me.

Closers and the toast

• Please raise your glasses to the happy couple. To [names].
• To the bride and groom - may your happiness last as long as this speech felt. Shop this card
• Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding. To love, to friendship, and to [names].
• Here's to the two of you. May you never argue about anything more serious than whose turn it is to make the tea.

The rules

• Nothing about exes. Nothing.
• Nothing about the stag night that would trouble a solicitor.
• No in-jokes that only six people understand - the room includes grandparents.
• Five to seven minutes. Every long speech is too long.
• Read it aloud, standing up, three times before the day.
• End with sincerity. The laughs get the attention; the last line is what they remember.

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How to write it so it lands

• Three or four solid laughs beats twenty attempted ones.
• Write the sincere final minute first. Everything else supports it.

Where to shop next

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Frequently asked questions

How long should a best man speech be?

Five to seven minutes. Anything past ten loses the room, however good the material is.

What should a best man never joke about?

Exes, anything genuinely humiliating from the stag do, money, family disagreements, and anything the couple's grandparents would not want repeated.