What To Say After A Serious Diagnosis
What to say when someone gets a serious diagnosis
People often wait until they have the perfect sentence, and by then weeks have passed. There is no perfect sentence. There is an honest one, sent early.
Do not make them manage your shock, and do not ask them to explain their prognosis to reassure you.
Get well and thinking of you cards
Post is easier to face than a phone call on a hard day.
When you first hear
- I am so sorry. I do not know what to say, but I am not going anywhere.
- Thinking of you. No need to reply - I will keep messaging either way.
- That is a lot to take in. Tell me what would actually help this week.
During treatment
- No update needed. Just so you know I am thinking of you today.
- I am doing a supermarket run Thursday - can I add yours to it?
- Sending you something dull and comforting in the post. No reply required.
For someone who is fed up of illness talk
- Complete nonsense from my week, in case you want a distraction.
- Not asking how you are. Just saying hello.
- Fancy a bad film and no conversation on Sunday?
Lines to avoid
- "Stay positive" - it makes fear feel like failure.
- "My aunt had that and she..." - other people's outcomes are not comfort.
- "Let me know if you need anything" - it puts the work on them.
How to write it so it lands
- Say what you will do, then do it, rather than asking what they need.
- Copy their tone - some people want jokes, others want quiet.
- Diarise the treatment dates so you can message on the worst days.
Where to shop next
- Get well soon messages
- What to say after a miscarriage
- What to say when someone is made redundant
- What to say when someone moves into care
- Death anniversary messages
- What not to say when someone is grieving
- How to support someone months later
- Practical help to offer instead of words
- Sympathy and difficult moments guides
- All guide FAQs
- All guides
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- Photo booth prop ideas
Frequently asked questions
Should you say the word cancer?
Follow their language. If they have said it, say it. Talking around the illness can feel like being handled.
How often should you message?
Little and regular beats long and rare. A weekly message that needs no reply keeps the door open.
What if you do not hear back?
Keep going. Silence during treatment is usually exhaustion, not a hint.