What not to say when someone is grieving

Almost every unhelpful phrase comes from the same instinct: trying to make the loss smaller so it is easier to sit with. Grieving people do not need it made smaller.

Swap comfort-by-explanation for comfort-by-company.

Avoid: explaining the loss

• "Everything happens for a reason" - say instead: "There is no sense in this at all."
• "She is in a better place" - say instead: "I know how much you miss her."
• "At least he had a long life" - say instead: "Eighty-nine years and it still is not enough."

Avoid: making it about you

• "I know exactly how you feel" - say instead: "I cannot imagine it, but I am here."
• "When my dad died..." - say instead: nothing, then a question about theirs.

Avoid: setting a deadline

• "Time heals" - say instead: "There is no rush on any of this."
• "You should be getting out more" - say instead: "Fancy a walk? Totally fine to say no."
• "Are you feeling better yet?" - say instead: "How is this week compared to last?"

Avoid: vague offers

• "Let me know if you need anything" - say instead: "I am dropping dinner round Tuesday at six."
• "Call me any time" - say instead: "I will ring Sunday evening. Ignore it if you are not up to it."

Browse sympathy cards

How to write it so it lands

• Ask a question, then stop talking.
• Never compare losses, including your own.
• Repeat the offer later - once is easy to refuse.

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Frequently asked questions

Is it better to say nothing than the wrong thing?

No. Most bereaved people remember who disappeared far longer than who fumbled a sentence.

What is the safest thing to say?

"I am so sorry. I am thinking of you." It never lands badly and needs no reply.

Should you avoid mentioning the person who died?

The opposite. Hearing their name is usually the thing people miss most.