80 Funny Quotes Worth Writing In A Card

September 9, 2026

Finding the perfect funny quotes to write in a greeting card does not have to be difficult. We have gathered eighty of the best funny sayings and short funny quotes to help you bring a smile to someone's face, whether it is for a birthday, retirement or a simple thank you note. These hilarious lines are brief, punchy and guaranteed to fit perfectly inside any card you choose.

Below are short funny quotes and sayings for cards, captions and everyday life. They're sorted by topic, and the shortest ones come first.

You're in the right place for funny quotes. There are 55 ready-to-copy lines on this page, grouped into funny quotes about life, funny quotes about getting older and funny quotes about work, plus more below - pick one, change a detail so it sounds like you, and you're done.

A funny quote does the heavy lifting a blank card cannot. Two lines, one laugh, and you still have room to write something you mean underneath.

Eighty below, grouped by subject. All short enough to fit on the left hand page without your handwriting shrinking.

Short funny quotes (under ten words)

Writing in a small card can be tricky when you have limited space. These short funny quotes are brilliant because they get straight to the point in under ten words. If you want a quick laugh without filling up the page, a funny short quote is the ideal choice for your message.

I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.
Adulting is soup, and I am a fork.
I followed my heart. It led to the fridge.
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
My bed and I are in a committed relationship.
I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right.
Coffee first. Opinions later.
Age is just a number. Mine is unlisted.

Funny sayings for adults

Some cards require a slightly more mature sense of humour. These funny sayings for adults are perfect for sharing a cheeky giggle with friends or partners. Use a funny saying that speaks to the everyday realities of grown-up life, from managing a budget to enjoying a cheeky glass of wine.

Wine is just grape juice that went to university.
I've reached the age where my back goes out more than I do.
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop annoying me.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Funny quotes about work

Office life provides plenty of material for humour, from endless meetings to those colleagues who make the day go faster. If you need some witty funny quotes about work for a colleague's leaving card or retirement message, these options will perfectly capture the daily grind in a lighthearted way.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
This meeting could have been an email.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
My job is secure. Nobody else wants it.

Funny quote of the day ideas

Sometimes you just want to share a bit of daily inspiration with a twist. If you are looking for a funny quote of the day to write on a sticky note, a whiteboard or inside a morning card, these cheerful options offer the perfect blend of motivation and humour.

Today's goal: be the person my dog thinks I am.
If at first you don't succeed, have a biscuit.
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.
Be the reason someone checks their phone and smiles.

Funny quotes about life

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and sometimes the best response is simply to laugh. These relatable funny quotes about life capture the ups and downs we all experience. Choose one of these clever lines to add a bit of joy and perspective to your next greeting card.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
I am not arguing, I am simply explaining why I am right.
The early bird can have the worm. Worms are horrible.
Everything is figureoutable, eventually, usually at 3am.
I have a lot on my plate and most of it is cake.
Some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I do not need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.
Adulthood is just saying 'but after this week things will slow down' until you die.
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I am tired.
I always give 100 percent at work: 10 on Monday, 23 on Tuesday, 40 on Wednesday, 22 on Thursday and 5 on Friday.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
There is no 'we' in food.

Funny quotes about getting older

Celebrating a milestone birthday can be a wonderful excuse for a gentle tease. These funny quotes about getting older are brilliant for birthday cards, offering a lighthearted take on wrinkles, grey hair and wisdom. A humorous line is the perfect way to soften the blow of another candle.

You are not old. You are vintage, which is more expensive.
Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
I do not have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
The secret to staying young is honest living, slow eating and lying about your age.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
You know you are getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist swap places.
I am at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
At your age you have earned the right to leave a party at nine.

Funny quotes about work

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the risk.
The only reason I come to work is because I cannot sleep at home.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
Teamwork is important. It helps put the blame on someone else.
I am not saying I hate Mondays, but I do not send them cards.
Every office has one person who has never sent a calendar invite in their life.
The best part of working from home is the commute to the fridge.
Nothing ruins a Friday like realising it is Tuesday.
I am one meeting away from becoming a full time gardener.

Funny quotes about friends and family

The people closest to us are usually the ones who appreciate our humour the most. Whether you want to tease a sibling or share an inside joke with your best mate, these funny quotes about friends and family will perfectly capture those special, chaotic relationships that keep us grounded.

Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.
A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.
We will be the old ladies causing trouble in the care home.
Family: the people who know exactly which button to press and installed them.
I smile because you are my sibling. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.
Friendship is finding someone equally weird and never letting them go.
I would take a bullet for you. Not in the head, but in the leg. Maybe the foot.
You are the friend I would call to help me move a body, and to complain about the traffic on the way.
Real friends do not judge your online order history. They add to it.
Nothing says love like telling someone the truth about that haircut.

Funny quotes short enough for a pin badge

If you are looking for micro-messages that pack a punch, these tiny options are perfect. These funny quotes are brief enough to fit onto a tiny pin badge or a small gift tag. They offer brilliant, cheeky statements that let the recipient wear their sense of humour on their sleeve.

Professionally tired.
Powered by tea and spite.
Currently accepting cake.
Sarcasm is a service I offer.
Nap enthusiast.
Officially older, unofficially fine.
Here for the buffet.
Chief overthinker.
Retired. Ask me about my afternoons.
One more coffee and I am unstoppable.

Key things to remember

Write the quote at the top and your own sentence underneath. That contrast is what makes it land.
Pick a quote that fits the person, not the funniest one on the list.

Frequently asked questions

Do I need to credit a quote in a card?

Only if it is famous and you are quoting it word for word. A short attribution under the line looks deliberate rather than borrowed.

How long should a quote in a card be?

Two lines maximum. The quote is the opener, not the message - leave two thirds of the page for your own words.

What is a good example of funny quotes?

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." is one of 55 examples on this page. Pick the one closest to the tone you want, then add a specific detail of your own - a shared memory, a date, a name - so it reads as yours rather than copied.

Can I copy these messages word for word?

Yes. Everything on this page is free to copy, print and read out - no permission or credit needed. Changing one detail so it fits the person is all we would suggest.

What is a good short funny quote?

"I followed my heart. It led to the fridge." Short, relatable quotes work best for cards and captions.

Where can I use funny sayings?

Birthday and leaving cards, social media captions, office whiteboards, mugs, prints and wedding or party speeches.

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