80 Funny Quotes Worth Writing In A Card

September 9, 2026

Funny quotes

A funny quote does the heavy lifting a blank card cannot. Two lines, one laugh, and you still have room to write something you mean underneath.

Eighty below, grouped by subject. All short enough to fit on the left hand page without your handwriting shrinking.

Blank inside, designed in house, posted first class.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
I am not arguing, I am simply explaining why I am right.
The early bird can have the worm. Worms are horrible.
Everything is figureoutable, eventually, usually at 3am.
I have a lot on my plate and most of it is cake.
Some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I do not need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.
Adulthood is just saying 'but after this week things will slow down' until you die.
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I am tired.
I always give 100 percent at work: 10 on Monday, 23 on Tuesday, 40 on Wednesday, 22 on Thursday and 5 on Friday.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
There is no 'we' in food.

You are not old. You are vintage, which is more expensive.
Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
I do not have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
The secret to staying young is honest living, slow eating and lying about your age.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
You know you are getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist swap places.
I am at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
At your age you have earned the right to leave a party at nine.

Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.
A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you. Shop this card
We will be the old ladies causing trouble in the care home.
Family: the people who know exactly which button to press and installed them.
I smile because you are my sibling. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.
Friendship is finding someone equally weird and never letting them go.
I would take a bullet for you. Not in the head, but in the leg. Maybe the foot.
You are the friend I would call to help me move a body, and to complain about the traffic on the way. Shop this card
Real friends do not judge your online order history. They add to it.
Nothing says love like telling someone the truth about that haircut.

Write the quote at the top and your own sentence underneath. That contrast is what makes it land.
Pick a quote that fits the person, not the funniest one on the list.

Only if it is famous and you are quoting it word for word. A short attribution under the line looks deliberate rather than borrowed.

Two lines maximum. The quote is the opener, not the message - leave two thirds of the page for your own words.