Top 50 funny one-liners

A one-liner is the only joke short enough to survive being written in biro inside a card.

Fifty below, grouped by what you need them for: birthdays, ageing, work, and general use. All clean, all fit in a card, most work in a speech.

Birthday one-liners

• You're not getting older, you're getting harder to insure.
• Age is just a number. In your case, an alarming one.
• You don't look a day over what you looked like last year, which is the best I can do.
• Another year older, another year of pretending you enjoy early nights.
• Congratulations - you've officially been alive longer than most household appliances.
• You've reached the age where the candles cost more than the cake. Shop this card
• Birthdays are good for you. Statistically, people with more of them live longest. Shop this card
• You look great for your age, and that's not just the lighting.
• You're at the age where you know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
• Happy birthday from someone who's technically younger and never lets you forget it.

Getting older

• I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do.
• I don't have grey hair, I have wisdom highlights.
• My knees now forecast the weather more accurately than the app.
• I've reached the stage where a good day is one where nothing hurts unexpectedly.
• I'm not old, I just need longer to get out of a low chair.
• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
• I remember when this was all fields and my knees worked.
• I've started reading the labels. That's how it begins.
• I've reached the age where I get excited about a good parking space.
• My idea of a wild night now involves a slow cooker.

Work and life

• I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
• I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.
• My email says I'm out of office. My brain has said that for years.
• I don't need a life coach. I need someone to answer my emails.
• Every meeting I attend confirms it could have been a message.
• I'm multitasking, which is doing several things badly at once.
• My to-do list has a to-do list, and neither is doing well.
• I put the pro in procrastinate, eventually.
• I've got a great work-life balance. Both are a mess.
• I told them I work well under pressure. I meant I only work under pressure.

General use

• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
• I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
• I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• My bank called about unusual activity. It was me going to the gym.
• I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I've been tripping all day.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it does buy cake, which is nearly the same.
• I always take life with a pinch of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right at length.
• I don't need Google. My partner knows everything.

Using them in a speech

• Open with one, then get straight to the sincere part. Never open with three.
• Aim the joke at yourself, not the guest of honour, unless you know them very well.
• A one-liner that lands buys you two minutes of genuine sentiment. Spend it.
• Write it on the card in your pocket, not on your phone - the screen glare gives you away.
• Pause after the punchline. The silence is where the laugh goes.

Shop funny cards

Funny cards worth the joke

Blank inside, so the punchline is yours. Posted first class.

Badges to go with it

Pin badges that land the joke without saying a word.

How to write it so it lands

• Write the joke, then write one honest sentence. That combination is what gets kept.
• Self-deprecating beats mocking, especially in writing where tone doesn't travel.
• Read it back as if you didn't know the person. If it stings, soften it.

Where to shop next

• Top 50 knock knock jokes
• Top 50 dad jokes
• Top 50 one-liners
• Top 50 jokes for kids
• Top 40 office jokes
• Top 50 cracker jokes
• Funny 60th birthday jokes
• 70th birthday jokes and verses
• 80th birthday jokes and quotes
• Funny birthday cards
• Milestone birthday cards
• Planning the party? Birthday party ideas
• How to make a balloon arch
• Photo booth prop ideas

Frequently asked questions

What is a good one-liner for a birthday card?

"You're not getting older, you're getting harder to insure" works for almost any adult birthday and doesn't need a set-up.

How do you use a one-liner in a speech?

Open with one, aim it at yourself, then pause. Land it and you've earned the room's attention for the sincere part.

Are one-liners better than long jokes in a card?

Yes - a card gives you about two lines before the handwriting gets small. One-liners fit and still leave room for a real message.