Top 50 dad jokes

A dad joke works because it fails. The groan is the laugh, and anyone who explains that has already ruined it.

Fifty below, grouped by type, all clean. Take one for a Father's Day card, one for a speech and one for the group chat.

The all-timers

• I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
• Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
• I'd tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
• I made a pencil with two rubbers. It was pointless.
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Food and drink

• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
• Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
• I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. Should have put it on aloha setting.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
• What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• I've got a joke about pizza, but it's a bit cheesy.
• Why was the biscuit sad? Because his mum was a wafer so long.
• How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Work and DIY

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
• My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
• I wanted to be a plumber but the job kept going down the drain.
• I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
• Why did the electrician get a promotion? He was well grounded.
• I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
• I nailed the shelf to the wall. Two weeks later it nailed the floor.
• My DIY skills are like my golf swing - short, sharp and expensive.
• I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. Impossible to put down.

Animals

• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• Why don't ants get ill? They have tiny anty-bodies.
• What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
• Why did the chicken join a band? It had the drumsticks.
• What's a sheep's favourite Greek philosopher? Ram-brandt. Wrong, but I'm keeping it.
• How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
• What do you call an alligator in a waistcoat? An investigator.
• Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
• What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
• Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Ones for a card

• Happy birthday. I'd make a joke about your age, but you'd never get it. Bit deaf now.
• You're not old. You're vintage, which is the same thing but more expensive.
• Congratulations on another lap round the sun. Terrible pacing, but you finished.
• To the man who taught me everything I know about bad jokes. This is your fault.
• Happy Father's Day. I'd have bought you something, but you already have everything and comment on the price of all of it.

Shop funny cards

Funny cards worth the joke

Blank inside, so the punchline is yours. Posted first class.

Badges to go with it

Pin badges that land the joke without saying a word.

How to write it so it lands

• Deliver it deadpan. Laughing at your own dad joke halves its power.
• One per conversation. Two is a personality.
• Write the joke in the card, then sign it - the punchline stays funny for years.

Where to shop next

• Top 50 knock knock jokes
• Top 50 dad jokes
• Top 50 one-liners
• Top 50 jokes for kids
• Top 40 office jokes
• Top 50 cracker jokes
• Funny 60th birthday jokes
• 70th birthday jokes and verses
• 80th birthday jokes and quotes
• Father's Day cards
• Funny cards
• Planning the party? Birthday party ideas
• How to make a balloon arch
• Photo booth prop ideas

Frequently asked questions

What makes a dad joke a dad joke?

A pun delivered with total confidence and zero shame. The groan is the intended reaction, not a failure.

Are these dad jokes clean?

Yes, every joke here is family-safe and fine for a card, a speech or a school assembly.

What's a good dad joke for a Father's Day card?

Something self-aware: thank him for teaching you every bad joke you know, then prove it with one.