Top 40 office jokes

Office humour has one rule: aim at the situation, never at a person. Everything below follows it, so all forty are safe to sign your name under.

Sorted by meetings, emails, deadlines and leaving dos - the four things every workplace has too many of.

Meetings

• This meeting could have been an email. This email could have been silence.
• I've been in so many meetings today I've started introducing myself at home.
• The best part of any meeting is the ten minutes before it, when it might get cancelled.
• We're having a meeting to decide when to have the meeting.
• My camera's off because my ceiling is more engaging than my face.
• Nothing unites a team like a meeting overrunning by twelve minutes.
• I say "good question" when I mean "I have absolutely no idea".
• Any meeting can be improved by someone saying "shall we take this offline?"
• I've perfected the nod that means I'm listening and the nod that means I've gone.
• The action point from every meeting is another meeting.

Emails and messages

• "Per my last email" is corporate for "read it this time".
• I don't reply-all. I've seen what happens to people who reply-all.
• My out-of-office is the most honest thing I've written all year.
• "Just circling back" means I've been ignored twice and I'm counting.
• I write "happy to discuss" and mean the exact opposite.
• I've got 400 unread emails and a strategy of pure hope.
• "Quick question" is never quick and rarely a question.
• Someone's typing... and now they've stopped. This is the worst thriller ever made.
• I said "noted with thanks" and closed the laptop like a man escaping.
• The inbox is not a to-do list, and yet.

Deadlines and workload

• I work best under pressure, which is fortunate, because that's all there is.
• The deadline is a suggestion delivered aggressively.
• I'm not behind, the schedule is ahead of itself.
• Everything is urgent, which technically means nothing is.
• I finished early once and they gave me more. Never again.
• My project plan is a beautiful document that has never been consulted.
• "By end of play" - whose play? Nobody is playing.
• I have too many tabs open, both on the laptop and in my head.
• Multitasking is just doing four things badly in rotation.
• The system is down, which is the closest thing we get to a bank holiday.

Leaving dos and new jobs

• You're not leaving, you're escaping. Blink twice if they've got your laptop.
• Good luck in the new job. Try not to fix everything in the first week; it sets a precedent. Shop this card
• We'd say the place won't be the same without you, but the printer will still be broken.
• Enjoy the new role. Somewhere else now has to deal with your fridge habits.
• You've left a big gap in the team, mostly in the biscuit budget.
• Congratulations on the promotion. More money, more meetings, same chair.
• New job, new starter pack, same feeling of not knowing where the bins are.
• You're off to better things, which around here isn't a high bar.
• Thanks for covering for me every time I said I was "on a call".
• We'll miss you. Mostly we'll miss you doing the bit nobody else understands.

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Funny cards worth the joke

Blank inside, so the punchline is yours. Posted first class.

Badges to go with it

Pin badges that land the joke without saying a word.

How to write it so it lands

• Never joke about someone's performance, pay or personal life in a card that gets passed round.
• Leave room under your joke for a sincere sentence - the joke gets the laugh, the sentence gets kept.
• If you're the manager, be the target. It always reads better.

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Frequently asked questions

What's a safe joke for a work card?

Aim at the situation, never the person - meetings, emails and the broken printer are fair game; someone's habits are not.

What do you write in a leaving card?

One joke about the office, one honest line about working with them, then your name. That combination is what people keep.

Are these jokes suitable for a work quiz or speech?

Yes - all forty are clean, non-personal and fine to read aloud at a leaving do or team event.