Best British sitcom one-liners

A great sitcom line survives its own episode. Most people below can quote these without having seen the programme in twenty years, which is the actual test.

Grouped by show, with a note on why each one works.

Fawlty Towers

• "Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it."
• "He's from Barcelona."
• "A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed."
• "Is this a piece of your brain?"
• Why they work: Basil is always one sentence from total collapse, and every line is him losing.

Blackadder

• "I have a cunning plan."
• "It is a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."
• "He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition."
• "Baldrick, I would advise you to keep your mouth shut."
• Why they work: elaborate insults delivered with total seriousness.

Only Fools and Horses

• "This time next year, we'll be millionaires."
• "Lovely jubbly."
• "He who dares, Rodney. He who dares."
• "You plonker."
• Why they work: catchphrases carried by real affection between the characters.

Father Ted

• "That would be an ecumenical matter."
• "Careful now."
• "Down with this sort of thing."
• "These are small, but the ones out there are far away."
• Why they work: total commitment to nonsense logic.

The Office

• "I'm a friend first, boss second, probably entertainer third."
• "Life is just a series of peaks and troughs."
• "Have you seen my stapler?" - the Tim and Gareth war in one line.
• Why they work: the comedy is the gap between how David sees himself and what the camera shows.

Others worth quoting

• Porridge: "Not tonight, Godber."
• Dad's Army: "Don't panic! Don't panic!"
• Dad's Army: "Stupid boy."
• One Foot in the Grave: "I don't believe it!"
• The Vicar of Dibley: "No, no, no, no, no... yes."
• Peep Show: the entire internal monologue, unquotable in a card.

Browse funny cards

How to write it so it lands

• A quote only works in a card if the recipient knows the show. Otherwise it reads as a typo.
• Pair the quote with one honest line of your own. The joke opens, you close.

Where to shop next

• Why laughter matters
• The science of smiling
• A short history of British comedy
• Best British sitcom one-liners
• Feel good days of the year
• World Smile Day
• International Day of Happiness
• April Fools' Day
• Random acts of kindness ideas
• Gifts to make someone smile
• Funny one liners
• Funny quotes
• Planning the party? Birthday party ideas
• How to make a balloon arch
• Photo booth prop ideas
• All guides

Frequently asked questions

What is the most quoted British sitcom line?

"Don't mention the war" from Fawlty Towers and "I have a cunning plan" from Blackadder are the two most often repeated in everyday British speech.

Can you use sitcom quotes in a card?

For a personal card to someone who loves the show, yes. Short, well-known lines land best - anything requiring explanation does not.