Funny limericks

The limerick is five lines: three long, two short, and a punchline you can see coming from line two. That predictability is the whole joke.

Thirty clean ones below, grouped by occasion, all safe to read out at a table or write in a card. The last section shows you the pattern so you can knock one out yourself.

Birthday limericks

• There once was a fellow named Dave, Whose birthday cake candles misbehaved. He took a deep breath, Blew himself half to death, And the smoke alarm sang while he waved.
• A woman turned sixty last May, And insisted on dancing all day. Her knees said 'no chance', But she carried on dancing, And her knees have not spoken since May. Shop this card
• There once was a birthday balloon, That escaped through the door far too soon. It flew over the shed, Over next door instead, And was last seen approaching the moon.
• A birthday cake made for a lad, Was the finest his mother had had. He ate the whole thing, Didn't leave anything, And the day after that, he felt bad.
• There once was a card that ran late, It arrived on the wrong sort of date. But the message inside Made the recipient cry - So the postman was ultimately great.
• A gentleman turning eighty, Was asked if he'd like to go crazy. He said 'yes, but by four, I'll be back at the door' - And he was, and he'd had a nice day, see.

Work limericks

• There once was a meeting at ten, That finished at twenty past ten. No, hang on, that's wrong - It went on and on, And we're all of us still in there. When?
• An email arrived with a ping, 'Per my last' was the opening thing. I read it with dread, Then I closed it instead, And I've not heard another ding-ding.
• There once was a printer at work, Whose behaviour was frankly berserk. It jammed every day, In a personal way, And it knew, and it enjoyed the smirk.
• A boss said 'we work as a team', Which in practice was more of a dream. For the team did the work, And the boss did the smirk, And the credit went upward, it seems.
• There once was a leaving do planned, With a card that we all had to sign. By the time it reached me, There was room for a 'G' - So I wrote it, and drew a small line.
• A colleague turned off her camera, And nobody noticed the drama. She made herself toast, And said 'sorry, host' - And we all secretly wanted to clap her.

Pets and British life

• There once was a cat with a plan, To sit on the warmest thing: man. He waited all day, For a lap to hold sway, Then sat on the laptop. Of course he began.
• A dog that was told 'do not beg', Sat and stared at a chip and one egg. He did not make a sound, He just stood his ground, And he won, and he ate the whole leg.
• There once was a queue at the till, And a chap who was taking his fill. He counted out coins, Slow enough to cause groans, And behind him we stood, silent, still.
• A Briton stepped out with no coat, Because one bit of sunshine gave hope. By eleven it hailed, And his optimism failed, But he still said 'it's brightening up though'.
• There once was a kettle so loud, It could summon a family crowd. One click and they'd come, Every daughter and son, And stand round it, thoroughly proud.
• A sat-nav insisted 'turn right', Into what was quite plainly a bight. The driver said 'no', The sat-nav said 'go', And they argued the whole of the night.

For a card

• There once was a friend of a kind, Who remembered when others declined. Who showed up with tea, When it mattered to me - So this card is a small thank-you, signed.
• There once was a mum who did all, And then asked if we needed a call. She's still doing it now, And we don't know quite how, So we wrote her this rhyme. That is all.
• There once was a dad with a joke, So bad that his family choked. He told it again, At a wedding, and then At a funeral. Nobody spoke.
• There once was a nan with a tin, And you never knew what was within. It was buttons, not cake, A reliable ache - Happy birthday, you wonderful thing.
• There once was a card, this one here, With a rhyme that took most of the year. It's not very good, But I did what I could, And I meant every word of it. Cheers.

How the rhythm works

• Five lines. Lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme and are long. Lines 3 and 4 rhyme and are short. That's the whole rule.
• Start with "There once was a..." until you're confident. It sets the rhythm for you, for free.
• Say it out loud with a bounce: da-da-DUM, da-da-DUM, da-da-DUM. If a line trips you, cut a word.
• Put the twist in line five, not line four. A limerick that peaks early has nowhere to land.
• Use a real name in line one. Names carry the joke further than any punchline you can write.

Shop funny cards

Cards with room for a rhyme

Blank inside, so the verse is yours. Designed in house, posted first class.

Badges to pin on top

A pin badge turns a card into a gift for a couple of pounds more.

How to write it so it lands

• Names in line one do most of the comic work - use the real one.
• Short lines three and four must be genuinely short. Padding them kills the bounce.
• Test it on someone who doesn't know the subject. If they laugh, the rhythm is right.

Where to shop next

• Funny birthday rhymes
• Funny limericks
• Funny rhymes for kids
• Short funny poems for cards
• Funny Christmas rhymes
• Funny leaving rhymes
• Top 50 dad jokes
• Top 50 one-liners
• 60th birthday poems and verses
• Funny cards
• Birthday cards
• Planning the party? Birthday party ideas
• How to make a balloon arch
• Photo booth prop ideas

Frequently asked questions

What is the structure of a limerick?

Five lines with an AABBA rhyme: lines one, two and five are long and rhyme; lines three and four are short and rhyme with each other.

Are limericks always rude?

No. The form got its reputation from music halls, but every limerick on this page is clean and fine to read aloud at a family table.

How do I write a limerick about someone?

Put their name at the end of line one, pick one true habit for lines two to four, and land the twist in line five.